Guy Fiero

Mr. Saturn

Guy Fiero

This story starts like many others: Heartbreak.

I mentioned in the Mr. Saturn page that he helped me through a breakup at some point, which is true, however he wasn't the only one.

In times like these, a man may make some changes in his life to get his mind off things. Some will hit the gym, others may steal a decorative blue instrument from a restaurant...

As for me, I decided the best course of action was to buy a really cool, completely impractical car from the 80s.

Now, why a Fiero? Just to address the elephant in the room, yes, of course I watched Ronald Finger's Fiero Restoration, and it was indeed my introduction to the Fiero. However, before you label me a basic bitch & fake Fiero fan, I really do think the Fiero is quite an interesting car.

In many ways, the Fiero is the "Proto-Saturn". It pioneered the same spaceframe construction and plastic body panels that the early Saturns became known for. It was also a car that shouldn't have existed. They were making some pretty major innovations on a shoestring budget (and it shows in many places). The Fiero was the only mid-engined car mass-produced in America, until the C8 Corvette came out at least. GM executives fought this car every step of the way (more evidence that GM is conditioned to kill everything good in the world, lest we forget the EV1). Despite everything, the Fiero managed to make it to dealerships, though not without some scars. Just about every shortcoming on this car is thanks to GM's meddling. In a way, you can hardly blame it.

Enough about Fieros in general, what about my Fiero?

After some searching on Facebook Marketplace, I found a car that was in less than perfect condition (typical for Fieros if you know them). However, it was well within my price range, so I decided to go for it anyways.

That guy ghosted me BUT THEN I found an absolutely gorgeous example:

This is a 1984 Fiero SE, with the 2.5L "Iron Duke" I4, paired with the 4-speed manual transmission. Anybody who knows about these cars will recognize how uncommon this is. Just about every Fiero nowadays, especially the red ones, have completely destroyed paint.

Those same people will also recognize this as the original Amazon Fire car, as this was the model that just loved bursting into flames, causing the famous mass-recall that killed the Fiero.

They even gave owners this super-slick sticker to place above the gear shift, just to remind you of the mortal danger you are presently in.

If you're big into GM history, you may even recognize the Iron Duke as the same engine that powered the Grumman LLV, more widely known as the USPS Mail Truck

Obviously I had to have it. It was quite a bit more money than my first choice, but through the power of some Quick Math I decided that it would probably be cheaper than getting a crappy one repainted.

Not only that, but the guy seemed pretty legit as well. He made a point to mention that he was a professional mechanic, so I was feeling pretty good.

After getting the car, I started taking note of all the issues. The "must-haves" were quite small, so I was still feeling good. As well as noting down all the small issues, there were a couple Fiero Things that I wanted to check on as well. First up, the air vents

Oh God The Air Vents

One of the big Fiero problems is the blower motor for the HVAC. For the lower speeds, there's a resistor in the wind tunnel that glows red hot. Debris likes to collect in here, promptly setting the car on fire.

It's a good thing that I checked this too, as the entire wind tunnel was full of MOUSE NESTS!

Obviously, you never want to find evidence of rodents in your recently-purchased vehicle, especially in the system that fills the cabin with the air that you use for breathing. However, this was the only evidence I could find, so I suited up and dove in.

Obviously the entire dashboard had to come out for this, which is annoying but surprisingly not too bad on the Fiero. Just a couple bolts and the whole thing just lifts right out, which compared to most other cars is quite easy indeed.

Indeed the vents were completely clogged with mouse nests. Not ideal, but at least now I can clean them out and put that whole mess behind us. Right?

WRONG!

As it turns out, the rodents had been on the other side of the firewall as well, and the entire airbox was also full of nests. Not only that, but the heater core was clogged with them as well, so the entire thing had to come out. I sacrificed my sanity, both the heater core hoses, and my perfect "no coolant spilled on the shop floor" record, but at least that entire mess is behind us. What's next?

Oh God The Brakes

The main "must-have" that I knew about getting into this was that the brake lines were just about rotted through. Not a big deal, I replaced all the brake lines on Mr. Saturn, this will be nothing.

As a little treat to myself, I decided to spring for some extremely nice pre-bent brake lines, so they should just bolt right into the car. Now if you know anything about working on cars, then you know that the word "should" essentially means the same thing as the word "won't". As such, the lines most certainly did not just bolt right into the car.

This whole rigmarole did reveal a couple of interesting things about this car, though.

Remember our professional mechanic friend? Turns out one of the lines had already blown out, and he decided that it was acceptable to replace just that one instead of doing all of them. Doesn't seem super professional to me, but okay.

Now this oversight was entirely my fault. The car had two lines running to the back, one on each side. I made the natural assumption that these were for the left and right rear brakes. However, upon replacing them, I learned that both rear brakes actually share a single brake line, and the other line is actually for the clutch. Somehow, I had gotten lost in all the other weirdness of the Fiero and completely forgotten that this car is, in fact, mid-engined. Including the transmission.

Obviously the brake line kit did not come with replacement clutch lines. I could've bought a replacement for that too, but a quick look at The Fiero Store revealed a $200 price tag for the privilege.

I decided I would practice float shifting instead.

Unfortunately, due to past trauma involving Mr. Saturn and bleeding his brakes, I have been putting off bleeding the brakes on the Fiero. As I'm writing this, the lines are in but still not bled.

However, this is not the killer. The killer is...

Oh God The Cooling System

Remember when I had to pull the heater core? As a result of that, I obviously had to top up the coolant again. Taking off the coolant fill cap, I noticed that it looked a little grimy, so I decided to take a closer look.

Big Mistake.

WHAT IN THE LORD'S NAME IS THAT

As far as I can tell, the most likely story is that our good mechanic buddy decided that instead of running coolant, he would run hydrochloric acid.

Whatever, how do we fix this. Obviously the entire cooling system needs to be flushed, many times. The thermostat housing also needs a complete refurbish, since it's covered in rust.

Naturally, I got right to work.

Alright, I procrastinated for a while then I got right to work. Using a bench grinder with a wire wheel attachment I knocked back the rust on the outside of the thermostat housing, then used a brass brush to give the inside the best chances of survival.

Using a new paper gasket from The Fiero Store, I glued the hell out of both mating surfaces with RTV, stuck them together, then spent the next two hours fighting to get the lower bolt installed. At least it was finally done.

For the coolant flush, I went down to the auto parts store and decided that I would try to improve my chances of success by investing in a dedicated "coolant flush" solution. It's a small bottle that you dump in alongside the water, but for the $13 I paid it had better pack a pretty good punch.

So the day has arrived. I dumped in my entire bottle of coolant flush, filled the system with water until it wouldn't take anymore, and started the engine

Immediately things go south

Coolant is gushing out of the thermostat housing, which isn't necessarily a problem, at least until putting the cap back on and the gushing continuing. I managed about a minute of "flushing" before having to kill the engine.

Casualties included my now shattered "no coolant spilled on the shop floor" record, my sanity, and worst of all, my entire $13 bottle of coolant flush that went into stripping the floor of all oils and contaminants.

This is what broke me. I pulled the thermostat housing back off, reapplied the RTV with no gasket now, threw everything back together, and left it to cure.

Then we proceeded to get hit with the biggest snowstorm of the season, with temperatures in the negatives for the foreseeable future.

Unfortunately, this kills any coolant flushing plans, as the process heavily depends on the assumption that the water will not freeze.

So yes, even as I'm writing this the Fiero is still not on the road. Maybe one day.